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View Full Version : A few funny things, some may of seen before.....


karlst
05-11-2009, 10:32 AM
HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford
:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use
of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is
considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husband stops his antics..

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking. (sounds familiar……)


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares...... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

karlst
05-11-2009, 10:32 AM
I understand how scissors can beat paper,
and I get how a rock can beat scissors,
but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock.


Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile?


Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors?
Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people?


Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody.

A rock would tear that paper up in 2 seconds.
When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock.
Then when someone claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh fuck I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you,

You asshole!

karlst
05-11-2009, 10:33 AM
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have
all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?





Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


And


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.


A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the Bulls**t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

bodgit
05-11-2009, 11:46 AM
I understand how scissors can beat paper,
and I get how a rock can beat scissors,
but there's no f******g way paper can beat rock.
You asshole!

Try using rock on your asshole next time you go to the loo. You cant beat paper:p

twisty
05-11-2009, 12:18 PM
Try using rock on your asshole next time you go to the loo. You cant beat paper

^^^ Ha ha ha,tears of laughter here :lol:

bigoggy
05-11-2009, 12:25 PM
love the toilet paper one :thumbsup:

Benjab
05-11-2009, 12:27 PM
I understand how scissors can beat paper,
and I get how a rock can beat scissors,
but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock.


Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile?


Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors?
Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people?


Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody.

A rock would tear that paper up in 2 seconds.
When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock.
Then when someone claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh fuck I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you,

You asshole!


Haha Great!:thumbsup:

karlst
05-11-2009, 12:27 PM
Try using rock on your asshole next time you go to the loo. You cant beat paper:p


:o:o Thats gonna hurt for sure!!!:thumbsup: