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Mrs oOple
05-03-2008, 01:52 PM
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco when the man picks up a crate of
Stella and sticks it into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it
into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says

the man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'

bigred5765
05-03-2008, 02:09 PM
lol class
ok i had to do this as a attachment as its 17 pages long
every blonde joke known to man i think
heres a couple

Q: how do blonde brain cells die?
A: alone.
Q: how do you brainwash a blonde?
A: give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: how do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: blow in her ear.
A2: buy her another beer.
Q: how do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: how do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: how did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: she was run over by the zambonis machine.
Q: how do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: how do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: tell her she's pregnant.

Mrs oOple
05-03-2008, 02:18 PM
Ahh it gets better, my friend forwarded me this as well. ( I don't think she does any work, just sends me these emails all the time! lol)

: Thoughts on booze



"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.. "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a nutter.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

GRIFF55
05-03-2008, 02:23 PM
Man in a balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realised that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me. I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman replied "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a scientist" shouted the balloonist.

"I am" said the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well" answered the balloonist, "everything that you told me is presumably technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of the information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you have not been much help."

The woman responded "You must be in management."

"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well" said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are by means of a large volume of hot air. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people below you to solve your problems you have created. You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now, somehow, it is my fault!"


:thumbsup:

Northy
05-03-2008, 02:46 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot
in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."

Northy
05-03-2008, 02:49 PM
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'

The medicine man replies: 'When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year.'
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123' for?

Northy
05-03-2008, 02:52 PM
This is true story ! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes
it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
her what is wrong with you in a room of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it: An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private.'


The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
******************************************
:lol::lol:

ashleyb4
05-03-2008, 03:09 PM
hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

A:thumbsup:

VintageRacer
05-03-2008, 03:30 PM
A man walked in to a bar.


He said "ouch".

b4rs
05-03-2008, 04:06 PM
2 polish mechanics working on a car, one says to the other " go check to see if the indicators are working" so the other polish mechanic walks round the back of the car and says" Yes....no...yes....hang on no....yes!"

b4rs
05-03-2008, 04:14 PM
Q: What's blue and fluffy?

























A: Blue fluff.

MikePimlott
05-03-2008, 04:16 PM
A man got pulled over for speeding and the police man asked "whats your occupation" the man replied, "im a rectum stretcher".
"Whats that", asked the copper.
"you put one finger in, then another, then an arm, so on and so on till its 6ft wide".
Copper asks "what do you do with a 6ft ar**hole"
Mans says

"give it a uniform and a f***ing speed gun"

Wraggy
05-03-2008, 04:17 PM
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT
RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY
IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didnít I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...

bigred5765
05-03-2008, 04:22 PM
whats mad and posts on oOple














about 80% of us

Mrs oOple
05-03-2008, 04:39 PM
A blondewalks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't haveany.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container ...

(Are you ready for this one!?)








'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

Cruise
05-03-2008, 04:44 PM
Hey Sister you`re doin it better than Mum!

That`s exactly what Pa keeps saying!

josh_smaxx
05-03-2008, 04:46 PM
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead!

ben
05-03-2008, 04:50 PM
why did the chicken cross the road??????










to get to the other side

Yeh mine is so funny ha ha ha ha haaaaaa:thumbdown:

josh_smaxx
05-03-2008, 04:56 PM
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian customs officer stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro!"

"Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro means four!" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly.
"Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer."Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"

The German replies angrily "You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! ... Schnell! I vont to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian, "He canta comea ... He'sa buzy witha two guys in a Fiat Uno."

Lee
05-03-2008, 06:14 PM
One friday afternoon a carpenter is working away in his the workshop when a splinter of wood flies into his eye, he is gutted as its the works christmas party that night so his mates try to cheer him up by getting on the lathe and turning him a stunning new eye, he is chuffed!!

That night after a few pints he is on the dancefloor and his mate spots a girl with a wooden leg and they beckon her over as they see it as a match made in heaven.

They buy her a drink and the fella with the new eye says
"would you like a dance?"
"would i?" she replies
"F*ck off pegleg" he answers:lol:

rcbrookey
05-03-2008, 07:01 PM
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent".

The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas... although still silent, it stinks terribly."

"Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing.:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::lol::lol::l ol:

XTREME RC
05-03-2008, 07:15 PM
There was a boat stranded in the deep sea in the middle of nowhere. Their were 9 men and 1 lady aboard. They radioed for help. Soon a rescue helicopter arrived, they lowered a rope down and told everyone to start climbing...so they did

As the helicopter started to move with all 10 passenger hanging on to the rope, it started to have trouble moving. The pilot shouted down that they were too heavy and that one person would have to let go. They all started arguing and after many minutes the lady said that she would let go. At that point all the men started to applaud her!:D:D:D

VintageRacer
05-03-2008, 07:29 PM
A large group of revellers were gathered around a table in Fred's local pub, watching something that was obviously fascinating. Keen to find out what was causing the commotion, Fred decided to go over and take a look.

On the table was a man no bigger than a foot tall, playing a miniature piano, whilst the appreciative onlookers threw coins into a pint pot held by what appeared to the tiny man's agent.

"That's amazing" though Fred and enquired to the agent where he discovered such a talented and unusual act.

"I was visited by a genie who granted me one wish, I got if from him"
Thinking this was quite an unusual thing to ask for, Fred then asked, "And what made you wish for that?"
The agent responded quite angrily, "You pillock, do you really think I wished for a 12" Pianist?"

Lee
06-03-2008, 10:18 AM
An Eskimo is driving through wales when his car breaks down, he manages to get it to a garage so the mechanic can have a look at it, the mechanic says to him "you have blown a seal"

the Eskimo says "so what you shag sheep":woot:

Southwell
06-03-2008, 12:38 PM
The International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may f@rt in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e.., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws

stegger
06-03-2008, 12:55 PM
A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.


She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.


The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'


The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.


Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'


The woman said, 'That's okay.'


For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.


The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.


The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and
he will have eyes only for me.'


So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!


For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.


The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'


The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'


So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.


Male readers :
Please scroll down.


...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.


Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.


Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.


PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

Lee
06-03-2008, 01:54 PM
That is ace:thumbsup:

bigred5765
06-03-2008, 02:43 PM
thats class

rcracer
06-03-2008, 02:52 PM
Brill :thumbsup:

turbo_brick
06-03-2008, 03:43 PM
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is
a description of how the store operates:



You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floorian
the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.




"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."




So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:




Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.




"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.




She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.




"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"




Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Tom3012
06-03-2008, 06:13 PM
Why is it a shame when 3 chavs in a nova go over a cliff?

Nova has 4 seats




A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi, Keith!'

b4rs
06-03-2008, 11:40 PM
a packet of ham waks into his local.

he asks for 1/2 a pint of guiness.

to which the bartender replies

"sorry mate, we dont serve food"
:woot:

b4rs
06-03-2008, 11:44 PM
one of my favourites

An enlgish man, irishman and scotsman walk into a pub.

to which the barman asks "is this a joke?"

b4rs
06-03-2008, 11:52 PM
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.
"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.
"No, it kills them" was the reply.

Lee
07-03-2008, 09:18 AM
Prince Harry has been on the front line for 3 months without anyone noticing.

Michael owen`s response on a local radio station was

"i know how he feels"






Michael Owen has beaten David Blaine`s record


for doing F**k all in a box for 6months

stegger
07-03-2008, 08:13 PM
Prince Harry has been on the front line for 3 months without anyone noticing.

Michael owen`s response on a local radio station was

"i know how he feels"






Michael Owen has beaten David Blaine`s record


for doing F**k all in a box for 6months
Just like tomorrow ;) when torres gets another hattrick:thumbsup:

stegger
07-03-2008, 09:07 PM
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer

stegger
07-03-2008, 09:08 PM
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!

ashleyb4
09-03-2008, 01:09 AM
A man walks into a bar and he meets a chinese lady she says oh im so h*rny i will do anything for you the man replies how about a 69. If you think im cooking you egg foo yung at this time of night you f*cking joking.

A:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::lol: