Post Jokes Instead :)

[Mrs oOple]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco when the man picks up a crate of
Stella and sticks it into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it
into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says

the man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'

[bigred5765]

lol class
ok i had to do this as a attachment as its 17 pages long
every blonde joke known to man i think
heres a couple

Q: how do blonde brain cells die?
A: alone.
Q: how do you brainwash a blonde?
A: give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: how do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: blow in her ear.
A2: buy her another beer.
Q: how do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: how do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: how did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: she was run over by the zambonis machine.
Q: how do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: how do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: tell her she's pregnant.

[Mrs oOple]

Ahh it gets better, my friend forwarded me this as well. ( I don't think she does any work, just sends me these emails all the time! lol)

: Thoughts on booze



"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.. "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a nutter.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

[GRIFF55]

Man in a balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realised that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me. I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman replied "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a scientist" shouted the balloonist.

"I am" said the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well" answered the balloonist, "everything that you told me is presumably technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of the information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you have not been much help."

The woman responded "You must be in management."

"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well" said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are by means of a large volume of hot air. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people below you to solve your problems you have created. You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now, somehow, it is my fault!"

[Northy]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot
in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."

[Northy]

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'

The medicine man replies: 'When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year.'
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123' for?

[Northy]

This is true story ! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are
there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes
it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
her what is wrong with you in a room of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy
handled it: An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private.'


The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
******************************************

[ashleyb4]

hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

A

[VintageRacer]

A man walked in to a bar.


He said "ouch".

[b4rs]

2 polish mechanics working on a car, one says to the other " go check to see if the indicators are working" so the other polish mechanic walks round the back of the car and says" Yes....no...yes....hang on no....yes!"

[b4rs]

Q: What's blue and fluffy?

























A: Blue fluff.

[MikePimlott]

A man got pulled over for speeding and the police man asked "whats your occupation" the man replied, "im a rectum stretcher".
"Whats that", asked the copper.
"you put one finger in, then another, then an arm, so on and so on till its 6ft wide".
Copper asks "what do you do with a 6ft ar**hole"
Mans says

"give it a uniform and a f***ing speed gun"

[Wraggy]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT
RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY
IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn’t I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...

[bigred5765]

whats mad and posts on oOple














about 80% of us

[Mrs oOple]

A blondewalks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't haveany.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container ...

(Are you ready for this one!?)

'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

[Cruise]

Hey Sister you`re doin it better than Mum!

That`s exactly what Pa keeps saying!

[josh_smaxx]

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead!

[ben]

why did the chicken cross the road??????










to get to the other side

Yeh mine is so funny ha ha ha ha haaaaaa

[josh_smaxx]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian customs officer stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro!"

"Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro means four!" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly.
"Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"

"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer."Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"

The German replies angrily "You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! ... Schnell! I vont to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian, "He canta comea ... He'sa buzy witha two guys in a Fiat Uno."

[Lee]

One friday afternoon a carpenter is working away in his the workshop when a splinter of wood flies into his eye, he is gutted as its the works christmas party that night so his mates try to cheer him up by getting on the lathe and turning him a stunning new eye, he is chuffed!!

That night after a few pints he is on the dancefloor and his mate spots a girl with a wooden leg and they beckon her over as they see it as a match made in heaven.

They buy her a drink and the fella with the new eye says
"would you like a dance?"
"would i?" she replies
"F*ck off pegleg" he answers