View Full Version : What, a joke?
wacattack
22-11-2006, 05:59 PM
Anyone got any? Im stuck at work and need some light hearted humour before I go insane!!
xx4-nutter
22-11-2006, 07:08 PM
ok i got one lol,
whats brown and sticky ?
...........
.............
.................
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................................... . . . . a stick !
When is it bed time at the neverland ranch?
When the big hand touches the little hand
Chrislong
22-11-2006, 07:16 PM
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the jugglers
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn;t pay the ransom.
Whats a shitzu?
A zoo with no animals
Why does Edard Woodward have so many D's in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar
Two cows in a field. One says "Im not scraed of mad cow disease" the other says, "Oh really, why not?" the first replies "Because im a helicopter"
telboy
22-11-2006, 07:32 PM
two irishmen in a plane flying across the atlantic...
half hr into the journey the captain makes an announcment....
"due to an engine failure our jouney will now take 1hr longer sorry for the inconvenience"
1hr later the captain makes another announcement....
"sorry but due to another engine failure, we will have to add another 2hrs onto our journey"
the two men look at each other puzzled.....
1hr later the captain makes yet another anouncement...
"I'm so sorry but our third engine had just had a malfunction and this will add another 2rhs onto our journey...."
the men look at eachother again....then one of the irishmen says.."bloody hell! if the last engine fails we'll be up here all day!"......
Anyone got any? Im stuck at work and need some light hearted humour before I go insane!!
Light hearted humour, errr. I have wednesdays off now:D
Lee Martin
22-11-2006, 07:46 PM
how do you confuse an irish man????
put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner!
..................................................
i was on a bus the other day, and i worked something out.....i would rather see a prenant women standing, than a fat girl sitting down crying............
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wacattack
22-11-2006, 07:48 PM
I think you should all take up comedy as a hobby!!! heheh
Cheers for cheering me up!!
LEGEND
22-11-2006, 08:41 PM
a blond walks into a store and asks the sales person, "how much is that
TV?" then he replies "sorry we dont sell to Blondes." So she goes out and
dies her hair red then returns, and asks him again, and he replies, "sorry
we dont sell to blonds." so she goes out and dies her hair blue, then
returns. She asks again and he replies again "sorry we dont sell to
blondes." So she is realy fed up and decides to ask him someting.
"how do you no that i am bolnde when i have Blue hair?"
"Well thats not a TV. Its a Microwave."
LEGEND
22-11-2006, 08:43 PM
What is Black, White and red all over???
A sunburned Penguin!!!!!:D :D :D
What is Black, White and red all over???
A sunburned Penguin!!!!!:D :D :D
Thats a penguin wrapper joke
Why do men die before women
They want too
telboy
22-11-2006, 09:44 PM
why does it take 3 women with pmt to change a light bulb?......
.........I JUST BLOODY DOES OK!!!!
Spencer Mulcahy
22-11-2006, 10:15 PM
A little girl goes to her mum and asks if she can take the dog for a walk
"She is in season you will have to ask your dad" she says.
So the little girl goes to the garage where her dad is fixing the car.
"I want to take the dog for a walk but mummy says that she is in season can I daddy" Dad calls the dog over and gets a rag soaked in petrol and wipes its arse "Just take her round the block and come straight back" About 15 minuets later the girl comes back with an empty lead. "Wheres the dog"
Dad asks "Well we got half way round the block and she ran out of petrol and another doggy is pushing her back"
Sorry in advance:D
Chrislong
22-11-2006, 10:53 PM
Did you hear about the Zen Buddhist who called to order a pizza?
He said "Make me one with everything"
How did the Red Sea get its name?
Cleopatra used to bathe there periodically.
losixxx
22-11-2006, 10:58 PM
What is Black, White and red all over???
A sunburned Penguin!!!!!:D :D :D
newspaper!
Chrislong
22-11-2006, 11:11 PM
What is Black, White and red all over???
A sunburned Penguin!!!!!:D :D :D
A blushing Panda!
Spencer Mulcahy
22-11-2006, 11:22 PM
What is Black, White and red all over?
A sunburned Penguin!!!!!:D :D :D
A Newcastle fan with a rash
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
How are women and tornado`s alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the sh!t house door off a tuna boat!"
What is Black, White and red all over???
A sunburned Penguin!!!!!:D :D :D
A sunburned Zebra! :yawn: :rolleyes: :eh?:
My girlfriend doesnt like the old car I got her, she said she wants something that goes from 0 to 140 in 3 seconds!
So I got the cunt a set of bathroom scales!!! :D
Chrislong
24-11-2006, 04:55 PM
Worker: "Hi Boss, I can't come to work today, I am too sick"
Boss: "Just how sick are you to not come into work today?"
Worker: ".... I am in bed with my sister"
Bathy
24-11-2006, 04:58 PM
Ian Southwell
gazbaz2
01-12-2006, 02:06 AM
What is Black, White and red all over???
A sunburned Penguin!!!!!:D :D :D
A Newspaper:o :o
G.
RobHatcliffe
11-12-2006, 10:56 PM
Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman (all of whom have young, but nubile, daughters) are sitting in the pub when the conversation comes round to the daughters...
Englishman
"The wife told me that my daughter's room was an untidy mess so I went up and had a look. I found a cigarette packet and was astounded, I did not realise that she smoked".
Scotsman
"Yesterday I was in my daughter's room for a similar reason and I found a half empty bottle of vodka. I was astounded, I did not realise that she drank".
Irishman
"Funny enough, I was in my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms. I was astounded, I did not realise she had a penis".
Bathy
31-07-2007, 02:37 PM
Broke Back Deer Camp
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it!
He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."
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