Jokes, Please

[Tractor Boy]

Just though I'd start a light hearted thread for you to put your best clean jokes on to. Here's mine to get you started:

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married, the wedding weren't much cop, but the reception was fantastic.

Love Alan

[Maddy]

like it.

[Team No Idea]

[Tractor Boy]

Here's some more:

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......


Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."



I bumped into an old friend the other day.
He's got poor eyesight as well!

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother HoChaChu.
But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr Moon, get out of the filing cabinet.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK
then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa",
I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see my next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes,
he's a catholic converter.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

Feed back please, what do you think?

Love you all, Alan

[Rebelrc]

Two men out for lunch
Happily eating their meal when the woman sitting on the next table starts to violently choke, cough cough splutter!
As she is turning blue one of the men jumps up, goes up to her, stands her up, lifts up her skirt and pulls down her pants then he licks the crack of her bum!!!!! The shock of this makes her instantly cough up the obstruction and is saved. Yay!
When the heroic man return to his table for the rest of his lunch
His shocked friend says What the Hell was that??????
The hero replys
I think it's called the hind lick manoeuvre !!
Boom boom.

[Rebelrc]

Committee: A group of men that individually can do nothing
But as a group decide that nothing can be done!
Lol
Couldnt resist
Committee at fav are great and do the best job
We all love you too Alan

[Hog]

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little b******.


Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.


Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.


Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.


Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.


There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

[Hog]

[contrast]

2 fish in a tank, one looks at the other and says, "This is a bugger to drive".....

[MHeadling]

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese!

A man rushes into his house and yells at his wife 'Brenda, pack ya things. I've just won the lottery,'
Brenda replies, 'shall I pack for warm weather or cold?'
'I don't care,' says the man, 'just as long as you're out of the house by noon,'

Sophie Ellis Baxter has been found dead in a french footballers appartment... Investigating officers say she was head butted to death.
Local papers say... It was murder on Zidane's floor